Ep. 9 My Holistic Transformation Journey
In this episode, Ash shares her personal transformation journey, detailing her struggles with alcohol, the impact of her childhood, and the steps she took towards sobriety and self-discovery. She emphasises the importance of building a morning routine, developing emotional intelligence, and prioritising self-care as foundational elements for personal growth. Ash also discusses the significance of navigating relationships and the spiritual aspects of her journey, ultimately showing you how to embrace your own transformation journey.
Episode highlights include:
00:00 Introduction to Transformation
02:35 Childhood Influences and Early Rebellion
10:48 The Dichotomy of Life: Good Girl vs. Rebellious Spirit
17:57 Hitting Rock Bottom: The Turning Point
21:31 The Journey of Sobriety and Self-Discovery
25:16 Building a Morning Routine for Transformation
39:26 Navigating Relationships and Emotional Growth
45:32 Emotional and Spiritual Transformation
53:17 Empowerment and Self-Care as a for of Self-Respect
To access your free guided meditations, head to the Freebie Page on Ash’s website https://www.ashbutterss.com/free-resources
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Transcript
Ash Butterss (00:00.802)
Welcome to the Unedited Woman, where you'll hear candid conversations to improve your everyday life.
Ash Butterss (00:13.614)
Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the unedited woman. My name's Ash Butters, I'm the makeover mentor and I'm here to guide you through a physical, emotional and spiritual transformation. Welcome to another solo episode. So funny story to kick things off. I was sitting on a Zoom call waiting for this master class to get started. Not one of mine. I was attending another person's master class because I'm always...
attending master classes and learning and trying to educate myself even further. Anyway, so I'm sitting on this master class and time's ticking by and I'm thinking this is really strange that the person hasn't come on the call yet. Anyway, we had daylight savings a few days ago and I've realized that this person is based in Queensland and so they are now an hour behind Melbourne. Anyway, so I thought to myself, now that I've got an hour to kill, why don't I jump on and record this solo episode for you guys?
because I've been wanting to do this episode for a while. Today's episode is all about my own personal transformation story. I realized upon reflection that many of you may not have actually heard my story before. You may not have listened to my previous podcast. You may not be in the sober community and therefore you may not have heard my transformation story. And I heard a beautiful quote recently when I was listening to another podcast.
by a gentleman who is called Ed Milet. And he says this beautiful quote, which was, you are most qualified to help the person you used to be. And my goodness, that just hit me straight between the eyes. You are most qualified to help the person who you used to be. And so I really wanted to share my story today so that if you are listening along,
you can perhaps identify and hear how I transformed my own life. This will hopefully allow you to see that it's possible because if I can do this, you can too. And along the way, it will hopefully give you some ideas and some actions that you can start to implement into your own life. That is my wish for today's episode. So buckle up and let's get into it. So.
Ash Butterss (02:35.414)
I think it's always really important when talking about anybody's story to start at the beginning because so much of our personality, our coping mechanisms, the way we move through life are a result of the experiences that we have in childhood. So I was born into a family with a mum and dad who were still together at the time and I had an older brother. He was three and a half years older than me.
And I would describe it as a loving family, but also quite a dysfunctional family. Both of my parents really liked to drink and they would have alcohol around the house a lot. And it wouldn't necessarily just be when they were drinking together, there would often be people coming over and parties at the house and so on and so forth. And so I was around alcohol from a really young age. And what I saw was that
alcohol was something that adults consumed to have fun, but that it also caused adults to do silly things. That's really my understanding of it as a child. But I had the kind of personality where I was really drawn to things that were not good for me. From the beginning, I always liked to push the envelope and I had this little naughty streak, this little naughty flair. But
It's funny because as much as I had that rebellious tendency, I also had a deep desire for approval and love. And so I would make sure that I was a good girl the majority of the time. And when I was doing these naughty things, they were always in secret. So as a really young girl, that might've been...
taking lollies out of the pantry when I wasn't meant to, know, really little things. And then as I got older, those rebellious tendencies started to play out on a much bigger scale. And we'll get to that soon enough. But what I remember from my childhood was mum and dad arguing a lot, particularly when they drank. There was never any physical violence that I was witness to, but there was a lot of yelling, a lot of tension.
Ash Butterss (04:55.38)
I often describe it like you could cut the tension with a knife inside my household a lot of the time. And that feeling of needing to walk on eggshells, I never really knew what version I was gonna get of mom and dad on any given day. So I took it upon myself to be the peacekeeper in the family as the youngest. And if mom and dad had a fight, then I would always go in and follow mom into her bedroom and look after her.
And I was always trying to keep the peace. And this even plays out into my adult years. You know, I've always been, I've always had this idea of wanting to have that perfect family, like the one you see on the TV and in the movies. And it's only been in recent years, really recent years that I've actually been able to let go of that ideal because it's not real for most people, I would say.
I've been able to let go of that and have true acceptance for what my family unit does look like today. And it's beautiful, but it's not the typical family unit. You know, we've got, I've got divorced parents. I'm now divorced myself. There's so many complexities at play, but I am at a place now where I'm so grateful for the family dynamic that I have. So going back to my childhood, there was a lot of chaos. was a lot of uncertainty.
And from a really young age, I became quite good at shape shifting. I was a bit of a chameleon. I would adapt to any given environment so that I could always be perceived in the best light. External validation was something that I really craved. And I've spoken about this before, but how this really played out for me was I felt quite unseen and unheard within my family unit.
We were a sporting family and I am not a sporty girl. And so I really didn't feel like I fitted in. And although we spent most of our weekends at the sporting field watching my brother play either cricket or footy, I was on the search to find something that I could be good at, that maybe my brother wasn't so good at, so that I could have my own thing and get that attention that I so deeply craved from my parents.
Ash Butterss (07:15.394)
And that's when I discovered music. And I would say that music was the first thing that really saved me. I loved to sing, I loved to play instruments, and I did it at quite a high level because of course what I was seeking underneath all of that was that attention from my parents and that validation. And yet I never seemed to be able to fill the hole in my soul. It didn't matter.
how well I did on my music exams, it didn't matter if I got the lead part in the musicals, it didn't matter if I was traveling around the world, competing in Europe with choirs. I was never able to attain what I was looking for, which was this unconditional love from my parents. Now, in hindsight, I can see that they were doing the best that they could do with what they had.
but I've gone through a lot of therapy and a lot of healing to get to that point. But that little girl didn't have that understanding. And so what I made it mean at the time was that I wasn't enough. And I developed a core wound of unworthiness. And this core wound has played out into my life in so many different ways. It's played out in relationships. It's played out in my work life.
really up until getting sober at the age of 32, I was ruled by this negative core belief that I was inherently unworthy. And so I got to about the age of 12, 13, and I started to become a little bit frustrated. I was thinking, you know, none of this is working. It doesn't matter how
well I perform at school, it doesn't matter how good I am at music, I'm not getting that connection that I'm really seeking. And so that's when the rebellious streak really started to play out because I think my mind must have just gone well you know if you can't, if this isn't working, if this strategy of being the good girl isn't working then I'm just going to do the complete opposite.
Ash Butterss (09:28.79)
And so I started drinking at the age of 12 and I absolutely loved drinking from the very first drink. I got blackout drunk and I pretty much drank like that up until I gave up 20 years later. And yet I lived in this dichotomy of on the weekends going out and drinking and kissing boys and doing all of these things that I wasn't meant to be doing at such a young age.
to then showing up at school, getting great grades, being friends with all my teachers, and having that very good girl persona play out. And this kind of carried through my entire life up until my early 30s when I actually started to figure out who I truly was. Because when you're living two completely separate lives,
What I found was is that I didn't really know who I was in all of that. Was I the rebellious girl? Was I the good girl? Or was I somewhere in the middle? I really wasn't sure because I was so good at pretending to be someone that I wasn't. And the more I lived in this place of disconnect, the further and further I grew away from my true authentic self.
And a lot of the work, the transformation work that I've done over the last five years has really been about discovering who I am underneath it all. When I let go of what other people think of me, when I stop caring about the judgment of others, when I stop seeking external validation and I learn how to build self-esteem from the inside out, then I start to uncover who I truly am.
And this is, I believe, where the inner work really sits. And if we can cultivate a connection with ourselves, then we can live in a place of contentment and harmony. Because for me, it was trying to mold into the person that I thought I needed to be that really created that self-hatred, because I wasn't being true to myself. So I continue to drink and party and continue to get good grades. And when I f-
Ash Butterss (11:46.35)
Finished high school, I actually moved out of home. 2005 was a really chaotic year for me. My parents had separated for the second time in the space of about 18 months. There was a lot of chaos in the home. I had started dating someone who was a few years older than me. And so at the age of 17, I moved out of home. And this is when my drinking and drug taking really started to escalate because I could get away with it. I wasn't living under my parents' roofs.
And I got myself into a lot of trouble in a really short amount of time. In fact, I was drinking and partying so much at this time that I actually ended up deferring my university degree because I just wanted to party. And I remember convincing my parents at the time to let me do that because I went to beauty school instead because they said, you can't not do anything for a year. And I said, okay, I'll go and get my diploma, my beauty therapy diploma. And so,
That's what I did, but at the same time, I was just going crazy. And this relationship that I was in started to become more and more unhealthy. And it got to the point where I had to get out. Soon after that, though, I actually met a guy who was a really good influence on me. And this was really interesting upon reflection because I think that he was able to offer me so many of the things that I had been craving. And when that cup was filled,
I actually didn't need to drink and do drugs to the level that I had been doing them for so long. And I ended up staying in this relationship for about four-ish years. And in that time, I went back to university, I got my degree, I traveled Europe with him for 10 months, and I really started to grow and expand and live this big, beautiful life. But what was really interesting was that
Ash Butterss (13:46.922)
I started to get what I now understand as restless, irritable and discontent. And this is a phrase that I learnt once I got into recovery. And it's something that people who identify as being alcoholics will tell you they really resonate with. It's this baseline of just not being comfortable in your skin. And what happened as a result of that was I totally blew up my life.
I caused a lot of harm at that time and I ended up having to leave Melbourne and go up to Sydney because I had my tail between my legs. I was so ashamed of my behaviour and I had no one to blame but myself. And so going up to Sydney was actually where things really started to escalate because no longer was anyone around who knew me who could keep tabs on me.
And in a short space of time, my drinking and my drug taking had gone back up to the level it was when I was in my early 20s and then exceeded far past that. But there were also some really good things that were happening in my life at the time. I ended up meeting someone about 10 months after I got to Sydney because I was single pretty much for the first year that I was there. And then towards the end of that first year, I ended up meeting someone who I would later marry.
There was some really beautiful times during that period of my life, but there was also still a lot of chaos and a lot of carnage. But it was 2018 when things really started to get out of control. Two weeks before my wedding day, my brother-in-law actually took his own life. And this was really just a sliding doors moment. I still vividly remember
the moment that I took that phone call and we found out what had happened. I was with my fiance at the time and there was something that snapped in my brain. And basically what I had decided in that moment was that life was simply too hard. I'd been taking hit after hit after hit, a lot of which had been a result of my own behavior and my drinking and the chaos that ensued as a result of that.
Ash Butterss (16:05.666)
But this was just the straw that broke the camel's back and I didn't know how I was ever going to be able to continue doing my life. In fact, I knew deep down that my life was never going to be the same. And from that day, I went from being a party drinker to an everyday drinker. And it wasn't a conscious choice. We found out about Dan and then we had seven days in between.
finding out and the funeral. And so we were drinking every day. Everyone was, you know, when you lose someone who's really close to you, if you have family, they will rally around you. And that's a really beautiful thing. But at the same time, I didn't know how to cope with grief through any other way than drinking. And so I spent most of that week just drowning my sorrows. And then the following week was the lead up to my wedding.
So again, I wasn't going back to work. I wasn't going back into any sort of routine. And so I just kept drinking. And then we got married and we went on our honeymoon. And again, still no routine and just the excuse to be able to drink a lot. And so we came back from our honeymoon and I had just formed a daily habit. And this insidiously grew.
My tolerance was building and building, so I was needing more alcohol to get the same effect. And it was really starting to take an impact on my self-esteem. I was putting on weight, I was very unhealthy, and that natural sparkle that I once had was just totally dimmed. And yet, I continued doing this for two years.
In fact, it wasn't until the beginning of 2020 when I finally hit my rock bottom moment. I had gone to America with my husband at the beginning of 2020. We'd gone on a ski trip and it was so toxic. We were just fighting the whole time. We were both in a really bad place with our own addictions. And I remember thinking to myself,
Ash Butterss (18:22.626)
Well, actually, I was blaming him a lot. I was blaming him for how I was feeling, for the amount that I was drinking, for the fact that I couldn't stop. We were in a very codependent, unhealthy relationship where we were almost just fueling each other's addictions because we couldn't call each other out on the behavior because if one of us were to say, you have to stop, then the other would stop. We were enabling one another.
And I remember when he decided to go to India because he wanted to find himself. I remember thinking this is great because once you leave, then I'll show you, I'll get my life back on track because all of this is really your fault. And of course the complete opposite happened. He left to go to India and my brain went, okay, great. Now we can.
really hit it hard. Now we can party the way we want to party and not have to deal with the consequences. And I remember going out on that first Friday night and this was the last time that I ever had a big night. I went out thinking that I was going to have just a couple of drinks because that's always how it started. I never really had the intention to actually get written off. I always just thought I just want to let my hair down, take the edge off, but it was, you know,
The way that I drank alcohol, that was never the case. And so I went out on this Friday night and I didn't end up getting home until Saturday morning. And I was staying with my mum in Melbourne at the time. And I remember walking through her front door and that was the moment that I just fell to pieces. The look on her face, the sheer desperation and the pain behind her eyes when she saw me was enough for me to realise that I had to stop. That if I didn't stop, I was going to die. And I could not continue.
being stuck on this hamster wheel, doing the same thing day in, day out and blaming everybody else for what had happened to me in my life. I had to take ownership if I wanted to save myself. And so that's exactly what I did in that moment. I put my hands up, I said, I need help. And within seven days, I had checked myself into a treatment center up on the Northern beaches of Sydney.
Ash Butterss (20:36.022)
And I really described this as the turning point in my life. That was the 24th of February, 2020, and I haven't had a drink or a drug since that day. So it's a little over four and a half years. And sobriety has been such a big part of my journey. And for the first couple of years, it's all I really spoke about. But the longer that I've stayed sober, the more I've needed to
continue to enhance my spiritual life and to develop tools to continue this journey of personal growth. And that's what I really wanna share with you because you may not need to get sober. If you don't have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, then that may not be part of your story. But if you are somebody who does, if you identify with being somebody who always drinks more than they intend to,
who wakes up in the morning with feelings of guilt, shame, and remorse, then maybe removing alcohol from your life is a piece of the puzzle. So I don't think it's a one size fits all. I think that it's really important for you to get honest with yourself about whether or not you think that is an area of your life that you need to address. And if it's not, then that's okay. The tools that I'm gonna share with you that have changed my life are still extremely relevant, whether or not.
you drink alcohol. But if you do have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, my experience has been that you must address that if you are wanting to transform your life, because you can do all the meditation, all the journaling, all the gratitude practices in the world, and it's not going to shift because alcohol is this great disconnector. It disconnects you from yourself and it numbs the edges of life. And it's been my experience that you need to be fully present.
in life and within your own body to be able to do this deep inner work and to really allow yourself that journey of authenticity like I was sharing before. Like for me, actually working out who I am, who am I at my core has been the biggest gift out of all of this and it's what's created the most peace in my life today.
Ash Butterss (22:56.578)
So I spent three weeks in rehab and coming out on the other side was actually really where the hard work began because while you're in rehab, it's quite safe, it's quite protected, it's quite insular. And even though I was doing some pretty heavy inner child work, looking at a lot of the trauma that was stored in my body, the temptation to drink wasn't really there because I knew that I couldn't.
Whereas once I went back into my apartment in Bondi and I was back with my husband who was still using at the time, there was no one there to stop me from just going down to the bottle shop or ordering Jimmy Brings, which was the delivery service at the time. You know, I had to be the one who was holding myself accountable. And not only that, cup, it was about a week afterwards that the world went into lockdown.
And it was the very first lockdown that we had had in New South Wales. And so there was also a great deal of uncertainty at that time. But there was something in me that was just so unwilling to go back. They call it the gift of desperation. That's what I truly had. There was no amount of money in the world that you could have paid me at that time to give up my sobriety. And I really have protected my sobriety date.
so fiercely. That 24th of February 2020 is my sobriety date and I will never change it. There's a great saying that says either you change or your sobriety date does. And that's why I've been on this constant journey of changing and evolving and growing since getting sober. And it's why God willing, I haven't had relapse as part of my story.
But like I said, this is really where the hard work began. And one of the first things that I developed from the outset was a really strong morning routine. I've spoken about morning routines before and I'll talk about it again because I really do think that it's the foundation to transformation. And of course, this can evolve over time. So I really want to remind you that if you're not somebody who is on a sober journey, this is still a foundation to your transformation.
Ash Butterss (25:16.802)
because when you set your day up with intention, what you're telling yourself is that you're worthy, that you're disciplined, and that you can achieve what you set out to do. So what does my morning routine look like? Well, back then it was quite specific and I was super dedicated to it. In fact, I didn't not do a day of my morning routine for over 365 days.
So I would wake up in the morning and I would meditate. Meditation became an absolute foundation to my transformation because one of the things that I really needed to focus on was quietening the mind, working on the inner critic who was so, so loud. It was part of the reason that I loved alcohol so much because alcohol would turn down the volume on that inner critic. And yet,
When I removed alcohol, I had to find other ways to be able to do that because I could no longer use alcohol as the solution to that noisy head. Meditation has been such a powerful practice that has helped me over time to be able to still my mind so that I can find space, so that I can be present in the moment, so that I can actually hear those voices, hear that inner critic, that story.
and question it. call it questioning the conditioned thought. Some people will say you're not responsible for your first thought, but you are responsible for your second. And what meditation allows you to do is practice the pause to find that little moment in between the first thought and the second where you can ask yourself, is this actually true? And in doing so, you can start to rewire those negative thoughts and reframe them.
with a more positive outlook. So meditation, absolutely. I'm a big advocate of guided meditations. If you've never tried meditation before, start with a guided because it's a really gentle way of leaning into the practice. I've actually got some free guided meditations on my website that you can go check out ashbutters.com. Go download those, they're free. And you can start just very simple five minute intro meditation just to start to practice. And remember that there's no such thing as being
Ash Butterss (27:36.77)
good at meditation or bad at meditation, your meditation practice will be exactly what it needs to be. What's most important is that you are consistent with your meditation practice. It's just like going to the gym. If you go to the gym regularly, you will start to build your muscles in your physical body. So you'll start to get stronger biceps, for instance. It's exactly the same with meditation, except you're building the muscle of the mind. So the more consistently you can meditate,
the stronger your mental resilience becomes and the more natural it will be for you to find space to sit in that pause, which is such a beautiful place to live life from. Once I meditate, I pray. Now, I did not grow up in a religious household. I went to an Anglican girl school and because I was in the choir, I did spend time in church, but I wouldn't say that I had any sort of
religious ties or any sort of spiritual practice before getting sober. And prayer was a really powerful part of my transformation because what it allowed me to do was start to develop a relationship with something that was greater than me. This has continued to evolve over time. I call it God because that works for me. But when I say God, what I'm talking about is this energy that is all around me. It's the universe, it's spirit.
It's this aliveness that I can tap into today because I have a daily practice of tuning in. And this has helped me so much along my transformation journey. It's allowed me to let go of control. It's allowed me to surrender. It's allowed me to manifest beyond my wildest dreams because I'm constantly tapping into this source that is greater than me. I used to live life from this place of a deep need to control because I didn't feel safe.
And so I thought that if I could just control every single area of my life, then everything would be okay. But of course that wasn't working out so well for me, was it? Clearly not. I ended up in rehab. And so developing a connection with my higher power, with God, has really allowed me the space to step into the flow of life, to be far less controlling and a lot more connected to
Ash Butterss (29:58.498)
what I'm actually meant to be doing in this life. This is the reason that my life has transformed so deeply. It was just four and a half years ago that I was living in a completely different city. I was working a completely different job. I was married to somebody in a very unhealthy relationship. All of these things have changed over the last four and a half years because I started to get into the lane I was born to live in. Rather than trying to be this person or be that person,
based off a need for external validation, I actually just started living in alignment with my values and I started living the life that I was born to live. So praying is what helps me foster that relationship and you can use set prayers if you don't know what to pray about. There's a beautiful set prayers out there. The prayer of St. Francis is one of my favorites. But then there's also this thing that I call freestyling with God, which is really beautiful where you can just talk to your higher power. You can just talk to your angels, your spirit guides.
and allow them to guide you, ask them questions, close your eyes, feel into the response. This is all about how we can learn to live more intuitively, which is something that I teach my clients to do. It's such a powerful way to be. And I think it's a key foundation to anybody's transformation journey. So once I've meditated and I've prayed, then I always write what I'm grateful for. And a gratitude practice is a super pivotal part of my morning.
because it reminds me to shift gears to the mindset of positivity. It can be really easy to see life half empty, the glass half empty. Especially if you're facing a really difficult time in your life. Like right before I got sober, the 12 months leading up to that, I was pretty negative. Life wasn't going so well for me. And like I said, I was blaming everything and everyone around me. And yet,
Because I have this beautiful gratitude practice today, my natural tendency is to see the glass half full. It's to see the opportunities in life. It's to be deeply grateful for the simple things and also the things that aren't so simple in my life. It allows me to show up as the best version of me. And like I was talking about before, when you reframe those thoughts, if you have a daily gratitude practice, then you're reframing those thoughts.
Ash Butterss (32:25.472)
unconsciously into a more positive bias and you're starting to create a life that you deeply love. Gratitude you can either do written down or you can say it out loud, but I personally really like to write mine down and I actually share it with a group of sober women. Maybe you've got a couple of girlfriends that you could create a group WhatsApp chat with, but sharing it with other people I think is really powerful as well because then you get to read their gratitudes and it can be a beautiful reminder. Sometimes
I wake up in the morning and I don't feel particularly grateful. And then I read my friends' gratitudes and I go, yeah, that's actually a part of my life too. That's something that I can be grateful for. So keeping that as part of your routine, gratitude practice. And then back when I was first getting sober, we were in lockdown, I had a lot more space and time. I would then journal.
Journaling could look like an affirmation practice. I could just be writing out the thoughts that were ruminating in my head. I could be manifesting, goal setting, whatever you feel is calling you in that moment. Journaling can be a really beautiful practice to develop self-inquiry, to get to know yourself at an even deeper level. Now, in saying all of that, is that what my morning routine looks like today? Absolutely not.
In fact, I will be so honest with you guys. I've gone through a period recently where I totally fell off my morning routine, but I've started to reintroduce it in a slightly different way. So what it looks like for me right now at this moment in my life is when I wake up, the first thing I do before I even open my eyes is a five minute body scan. Then I say three things that I'm grateful for and I just recite them in my head. Once I've done that,
I gently open my eyes, I get myself out of bed. Then I make myself this green drink. It's from Nutriorganics. It's like a green and red powder that I mix. I drink that because what I want to do is actually just make a double shot espresso, but I'm actually prioritizing the greens, because I know that that's gonna help alkaline my body and make me feel better. So I make sure I do that. And then I do a 10 minute guided meditation. So it's body scan, gratitude, green drink.
Ash Butterss (34:45.342)
guided meditation and that's what it's looking like for me right now. Then something that I also do every single day is I move my body. This has been an absolute game changer for me. Some days this will look like the gym, some days this will be my yoga practice and then other days it's simply just walking my dog around the park. It's a 30 minute walk but the difference that moving my body has on my mindset is
so profound and it's a complete non-negotiable and it's really helped me in my transformation journey. The great thing about moving your body, starting to eat better, because that's what happens when you're physically fit, when you're moving your body, then you start to make better decisions around food. And when you're starting to make better decisions around food, guess what happens? Your physical appearance starts to change. You might lose a couple of kilos, your skin might clear up.
and then you start to build that confidence. Your self-esteem starts to strengthen. Because for me, I'm telling you right now, when I first got sober and I started my transformation journey, I had very little self-esteem. But this has all started to develop and strengthen over time as a result of showing up for myself with these really small practices. Because this is what we're doing, right? We're just showing up in a teeny tiny way every single day.
and things start to change over time. And now I mentioned before that there's been a lot of areas of my life that have completely transformed. So not only have I transformed physically over the last four and a half years, I lost 15 kilos in my first year of sobriety. I've also transformed professionally. So when I got sober, I was at the point of complete burnout in my career. In 2019, I caught about
It was close to 100 flights that year. And I was burning the candle at both ends. And it wasn't until I was about 12 months into my transformation journey, it was almost like I had started to create the space for my true essence to shine through. And once I started doing that, my intuition started communicating back to me, telling me that the work that I was doing was no longer fulfilling me.
Ash Butterss (37:07.552)
And that came as quite a shock when I first realized that because I was working in a job that had been a dream of mine. I remember being a little girl driving past the L'Oreal office on St. Kilda Road and thinking one day I'm gonna work there. And that was the job that I had. And yet there was this voice telling me that this wasn't where I was meant to be anymore. And I knew that I couldn't just quit my job because I needed to be able to.
pay my mortgage at the time, but there was this little voice that was telling me to start exploring yoga. And so I made the decision to go and do my yoga teacher training, which was a 200 hour course over the space of five months. And it worked really well because I was able to keep working, but also do this training part time. And I never had any intention of
doing this 200 hour teacher training and becoming a teacher. I kind of just thought, you know what, this will be a great way for me to enhance and develop my own practice. Well, as many of you know now, I am a yoga teacher and it is such a beautiful part of my life. I pinch myself every week that I get to share the gift of yoga and that I get to teach people this practice because...
For those of you who are familiar with yoga, it is so much more than just the physical shapes and the poses that we create. It's a way of life, it's a way of being and the principles, the yamas and the yamas, the way that the yogis move through life has just so deeply resonated with me and it's how I aim to live my life and show up for my life every single day now. And you know, if I hadn't listened to that little inner voice, that little niggle that was saying to me,
there's something bigger out there for you, then I would still be in a job that wasn't fulfilling me. Yes, I might've been earning good money. Yes, on the outside looking in, it was an impressive title, but it wasn't lighting me up anymore. And I had to listen to that to honor that if I wanted to live in alignment with my values and to live a life of deep fulfillment. Okay, so now I want to talk about transformation and how that shows up.
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in my personal life in relation to relationships. You guys know that I recently got engaged and that I am in a beautiful, healthy, loving relationship now. But that has not been the case for most of my life. I'm not blaming my parents for this, but the fact is I was not modeled a healthy relationship growing up. And so as a result of that, I would fall into relationships that were really dysfunctional, really codependent.
with a lot of enabling tendencies, except for that one healthy relationship I had in my early twenties, which, like I said, I went and blew up anyway because I didn't have the tools at the time to, I mean, there was just so much healing that had to be done. It was like right person, wrong time kind of thing. And I be really honest with you. This is not something that I figured out in the first couple of years of my sobriety. I remember in 2021,
when I was grappling with the decision around leaving my marriage, because this was a really painful decision. I cared so deeply for my husband, but he was still in and out of his addiction. I knew deep down that it was a risk to my sobriety to stay in that relationship, but also that I was continuing to enable him by staying in the relationship. And so I had to make that decision at the time, which was terrifying because I thought to myself,
You know, what if I lose the chance to become a mother? What if I don't meet someone after this separation? You know, what if I'm alone? All of those were really real thoughts. But when I got quiet, when I tuned in, when I listened to my intuition, my gut, the answer was actually really, really clear that I that I had to make that decision to leave that relationship. And it's been in hindsight.
that I can see that that was absolutely without a doubt the right decision for me. But I wanna be really clear that it was not an easy decision. And for anybody that's grappling with this at the moment, if you are in a relationship that no longer serves you, that could even perhaps be harmful to you, whether that's mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, to actually face the fear and to look at the reasons why you're staying and to look at
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the reasons why perhaps you're leaving. And so making that decision was leaning into fear. It was one of the first times that I really had to look at the fears that were coming up for me and truly trust that I was going to be looked after, that the universe had a far greater plan that I could possibly have imagined and that I just had to take the simple action and continue showing up. And what that looked like for me was continuing to stay sober.
continuing this journey of self-inquiry and self-discovery and that everything would be okay. Sorry guys, I just got to pick Frank up. He keeps like pouring at the chair. Say hi. If you can see the video, there he is. Hi buddy. Okay, you wanna sit there? Is that all right? Okay. I really wanna emphasize the fact that at the time that I made the decision to leave my marriage, I really wanted to be a mother.
In fact, my ex and I had been trying for a baby for about 18 months. We did fall pregnant at one stage and I lost it quite early on. And that was kind of just how I thought my life was going to play out. That's the trajectory that I thought I was on to become a mother. And so giving that up to save myself was incredibly difficult. But it's when we can be true to ourselves and really clear
on what the right thing to do is and let go of the expectations, society's expectations, the expectations of friends and family that, like I said, the universe will open up and put you on the path that you were meant to be on all along. And this is what has happened to me. know, the relationship I'm in now, we don't know if we want to have children. It's not something that we're going to be doing anytime soon.
And all of a sudden I went from thinking that my path was to get married and to have babies to all of a sudden thinking, well, what could my life look like if we don't do that? And that's really exciting as well because all of a sudden I'm living a life that is being heart led rather than head led. And I'm doing what feels right rather than what I think I should be doing. And as a result of that, I'm starting to
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live a life that is just so full of amazing opportunities, things that I never even thought would ever be possible. They're all starting to unfold because I'm getting out of my own way. So that's what I want to say on personal transformation is really that the more you can choose your heart over your head, there's something in my hair, the more you can
really tune in to the universe and your guides and let go of the shoulds, then things will start to open up for you in a beautiful way. Maybe the person you're meant to be with is just around the corner, but you've got to stop doing the same things on repeat to open up space for that person.
Okay, let's talk about emotional transformation because this is big as well. So there's this concept called emotional sobriety and they often say that if you are a problematic drinker, then you will stop developing emotionally around the time that you have your first drink. So for me, that was the age of 12.
So when I got sober at 32, I had the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old and I had a lot of work to do. Now, I'm a big advocate for talk therapy. That was a big part of my transformation journey in the early days. I started that in rehab and then I continued seeing a therapist after rehab on a weekly basis for the first 12 months. And then that pushed out to monthly. And now I check in with my therapist.
if and when as I need, because I've got a lot more tools and things are a lot more stable now. I've learned a lot of lessons, which has been really beautiful. You know, I think that if you're not outgrowing your therapist to a degree, then like where is the progress being made? I think it's a question that you can ask yourself. But there's a lot of other modalities and tools and things that I've started to implement on this journey. And one of those has been breathwork. I only came across breathwork.
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maybe about 18 months ago, what had happened was I actually had gone up to Queensland on a work trip and I'd had a panic attack which was induced by a situation where I thought I was going to bump into an ex. And this was so crazy because I fully, my god, I had a full physical reaction, I went into complete panic and
When I came out of it on the other side, I was thinking to myself, how could I possibly still be having this reaction to this person? I've done so much therapy around this. But the truth was that there was trauma that was still stored in my body and it had been triggered. And so I decided to go down the path of breath work because I had heard once before that breath work could really help to unlock trauma stored in the body. They say that you keep your issues in your tissues.
And so I really wanted to see if that would be a tool that would help me process some of this stuff. And my goodness, it was an absolute game changer. I remember doing my first one-on-one breakthrough breathwork session and there was a guttural scream that came out of my mouth. There was this release that had happened.
that I didn't even know was inside of me and then the tears and the, the emotion that was just moving through my body, you know, they say you've got to feel it to heal it. This was on a completely new level from any of the release that I'd had doing shadow work or doing talk therapy. It was just.
so deep and so profound, and I've continued to do breathwork one-on-one. And I'm now going to do my advanced breathwork practitioner training next week because I believe so much in this modality. And it's something that I want to be able to guide my clients on on a deeper level because I think it's such a key foundation to the transformation journey. So things like breathwork, things like
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a consistent meditation practice really help you to journey back to self.
And that's where the emotional healing starts to happen. So I have very much developed my emotional sobriety since the age of 32. And I now as a result of that, feel like I'm pretty non-reactive. I kind of move through life with this consistency now where things don't really rattle me. That's not to say that I don't have down days or I don't have...
you know, emotional bottoms like that is still a part of the natural condition of life. But I know how to move through it with a lot more ease now. And so the periods of time in between these emotional bottoms gets longer and longer and longer. And then when I do hit a day or two where I'm feeling a bit flat, it doesn't last long at all, which has been so amazing. And I wouldn't have had that progress and that
deepening of my emotional regulation without having these practices like breath work and meditation. And that really links in beautifully to the spiritual transformation that I've experienced. This definitely started with doing my yoga teacher training, the prayer practice that I started to develop consistently on a daily basis. But it's almost been this beautiful combination of the breath work,
the meditation, the journaling, the gratitude, all of these practices that has really helped solidify this connection that I have to something greater than me.
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And even if it's just getting on my yoga mat for an hour and spending that time connecting back to self, even if it's a moment of stillness that I have when I'm in the shower and I'm just practicing mindfulness, it can look so different for everyone. It's not a one size fits all approach when we're looking at how to deepen your spiritual life. But you have to be willing to open the door.
What I often say to clients is you have to be willing to put yourself first. And I often explain to clients that if you don't have the capacity to carve out
10 minutes in the morning for you to do your morning routine to wake up 10 minutes earlier than the rest of the house. If you aren't willing to put yourself first in that regard, then the transformation journey is going to be long and slow and painful. Yet if you can start to put yourself first and show up for yourself first, transformation will start to happen at a much faster rate. It's almost like the universe will see the actions that you're taking and go, okay, she's ready. Let's start to make way.
That's certainly been my experience and showing up for yourself gets easier over time If you're somebody who has been putting everyone else before yourself for a long period of time Then actually putting yourself first prioritizing yourself is going to feel really uncomfortable But the more you do it the easier it becomes I was actually sharing I sent out a newsletter to my community recently and I was sharing how Because I'm running a retreat in March next year and I was saying how
I actually hadn't been on a retreat myself until this year. Like I ran a retreat before I ever attended one myself. And yet once I actually went on retreat myself, my goodness, the transformation that occurred, that deep sense of self-love, of actually saying to myself, you are worthy, you are worthy of taking the time for yourself, you're worthy of spending the money on yourself. That was such a powerful message that I
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received when I made the decision to carve out that time. That was a five-day retreat that I went on in Bali, but maybe for you it's a weekend retreat. You know, taking the time where you can so that you can really foster and nurture and nourish yourself. Until you are willing to do that, transformation will not happen. And you know what? I do not get this perfect all the time. I am fumbling through a lot of this myself.
I have good days. I have bad days. But the thing that I do is I continue to try I continue to show up for myself and I really do lean into consistency Once you start developing these practices and you're consistent with them They become a part of the fabric of your life You don't have resistance around them anymore because it's just part of what you do But just like going to the gym if you stop going then it can feel really hard to get back into it So if there's one
thing that I want you to take away from today is to give yourself the gift of consistency, to choose yourself. I was asked recently, what is your mission Ash? And my mission is to empower you guys to choose self-care as a form of self-respect, to actually say, I'm going to rescue the rescuer. I'm going to put myself first. That's actually step one in the reclaim her method, which is the method that I've developed, which really encapsulates the transformation that I've
through over the last four and half five years. fact you know what I'm going to record a whole episode on the reclaim her method because it is so powerful what I take my clients through to help them achieve their own life transformations.
As we come towards the end of this episode today, I just want you to know that you are worthy and that you can create anything you want in this life. If I could go from a place of complete despair, burnout, so stressed, so overwhelmed,
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constant anxiety, panic attacks. That's what my life looked like at the beginning of 2020 to where I am now four and a half years later in the healthiest relationship that I didn't even know was possible.
I am my own boss. I've created my dream life. have the most amazing clients that I get to work with. I get to travel. Like I didn't even realize how important travel was in my life until I started to transform my life to create the space to see what was really dropping in. And I've now realized that I'm creating a life where I get to travel every three months because it's something that really lights me up from the inside out.
travel, friends, family, all of the things that are really important to me. That's how I've created this deep fulfillment in my life. And you can too. I hope that this episode has been helpful in some way. Please feel free to reach out, hit me up on the DMs. If you want to chat more, I would love that. And one last thing before I go, if you could please go and hit the follow button, leave a five star review for the podcast. I would be forever grateful.
And if you want to share this with someone who you think would benefit from the episode, then please do so. All right, guys, I will see you here same time next week. Have a beautiful day.